A Picture is Worth A Thousand Words

"A picture is worth a thousand words."

When I saw Silvia Simpson's (of Silvia's Photography)  photograph of my daughters (above), I new it was time to start creating my vision of Sensational Children. The picture just screamed, "SENSATIONAL CHILDREN"and everything that needs to be done to make sure children remain sensational!

Dr. Gabor Mate writes about how the disfunction of the world can be mirrored in an individual (In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts). When I learned about my son's disorder, sensory processing disorder (SPD), I recognized much of what was lacking in society's common practice of child rearing….Sensational Children (for me) was always more than "just" advocating SPD. It's about treating all children with the respect they deserve.

Wouldn't it be wonderful to practice mindful parenting and consciously download (into our children) information that will serve our children? Much of what we do arises from automatic programming that bypasses conscious awareness and may even run contrary to our intentions. Decisions that we may believe to be freely made can arise from unconscious emotional drives or subliminal beliefs. They can be dictated by brain mechanisms programmed early in childhood and determined by events of which we have no recollection. In the real world, choice, will and responsibility are not absolute and unambiguous concepts. People choose, decide and act in a context. That context is determined by how their brain functions. Brain development is influenced by conditions over which the individual, as a young child, had no choice whatsoever (summarized from In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts). If we are responsible for the programs that are downloaded into our children, let's download healthy ones.

Through my parenting workshops, parents will learn the skills for supporting their most important work; their children. I'm certified to teach Positive Discipline, and the Bringing Baby Home and Emotion Coaching Programs from the Gottman Institute. I would love to teach them all….all the time….but as a parent myself, I'm balancing my love for sharing these wonderful concepts with others to implementing them with my children. And implementing them takes most of my time. My children need me. And my experience as a parent can only add to my usefulness as a facilitator.

Our children need us to be mindful of our parenting, they also need time to connect with others and time to unwind, time to integrate their experience while they play out what they hear and see; time and a safe place for their creativity to blossom. I want to create a space for children to do just that; and as a life-long artist, I can't think of any other place than my art studio. Elliot Eisner, Art Education Researcher and Scholar, says, “The arts enable us to have experience we can have from no other source.”  Through creativity, our children learn adaptability, what Dr. Shimi Kang (writer of The Dolphin Way) admits is the number one skill our children will need in the 21st century. Sensational Children would not be complete without Sensational Art. But I'm not sure what that will look like yet.

As I work through the licensing criteria (for my whole vision of Sensational Children), things keep changing. Doors close, but there are still so many open. The process of bringing my vision to life is not a straight path; it's organic and changes. As Steve Jobs said, “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever.” I trust my vision will take the shape it needs to; also, I trust that my journey (itself) will spark (in many) the realization that raising children (that children themselves) are THE MOST IMPORTANT WORK.

What is Sensory Processing Disorder?

I’m a mom to four awesome children, in a blended family (his, mine, ours). My journey into parenting and special needs began after my first child was born. My son has sensory processing disorder (SPD). SPD is a neurological disorder of the brain that affects the way sensations are experienced and organized.  It is like a virtual traffic jam in the brain; information from all the senses is misinterpreted. Children with SPD display atypical reactions to sensory input. Sadly, they struggle and suffer a loss of quality in their social, personal, emotional and academic life.

Did you know that all children are born with immature sensory processing systems? They can all benefit from appropriate sensory experiences. My son is at the end of that spectrum. All children sit somewhere on that line. An understanding of the sensory processes has helped me accommodate all of my four children’s needs and support their healthy development.

How many of you have children that can’t sit still at the dinner table? My oldest daughter has this “problem”. We want her to participate in our mealtime discussions; she just wants to bolt! Research has shown that kids listen better when they’re moving; which is why telling her to sit still doesn’t help. A regular, daily dose of physical activity helps meet her sensory needs so she can focus on participating in our family meals. If she still has “ants in her pants” during dinner, she’s encouraged to do chair push-ups and play with (some) fidget toys.

There are many ways to solve a problem; I am looking forward to joining The Beacon and bringing my unique perspective to the parenting forum. Send me your parenting questions at dmastromatteo@sensationalchildren.ca. Together, we can lead our children into becoming caring, compassionate, respectful adults who are happy, healthy, and fully themselves.

Supporting children and families by encouraging art, supporting the senses and leading with the concepts of positive discipline. My hope is to inspire families to build a solid foundation for creating the life they envision for their children and family. Visit me at sensationalchildren.ca

This Article First Appeared in The Beacon (West Vancouver). 

Find Your Happy: Finding Happiness at Home

Is it really possible?

Thoughts of happiness (and the lack of) seem to be engulfing my mind lately. Not only am I trying to recall happy moments from our family summer trip (visit bloggingeasterncanada.blogspot.ca), but I’m exploring the happiness in my everyday life.

So, I’ve noticed my mood hasn’t been what I would like it to be. And honestly, I’ve always been a “glass half empty” girl. I work really (really) hard at appreciating what I have, but, honestly, it’s hard not to notice that things could be better. Why settle for half empty when you could have the whole thing?

But I’ve always bought into the idea of empowerment. We talk about empowering our children in Positive Discipline. We’ve all heard the phrases, “don’t be a victim”, “take control of your life”. But .... and here’s the big BUT....happiness and unhappiness are catching.

You know the daily drill....child wakes up crying, older kids don’t want to get out of bed, they’re SO TIRED! Kate can’t find her paper....that paper that was on the table last week! Someone must have taken it! There’s nothing to eat....there’s nothing to put in the kids lunch....at least that’s what the kids say....they’re all TIRED and oh, John doesn’t want to go to school....he’s sick....really, he’s sick and Jane is still crying...now louder because no one is paying attention to her....Kate stomps off shouting, “I hate you!” and that’s just the morning.

How did I create that tornado? Really, I don’t want to take ownership for that. I keep wondering how my days can possibly be happier if I have to put up with THEM?  But all of that (apparently) is normal. Data collected by John and Julie Gottmann of the Gottman Institute in Seattle reveals that having children (statistically) causes depression....I’m just a statistic. I’m doomed.

Research also says that family members affect each other’s happiness. I’m doomed….how can I find happiness when everyone is pouring their negativity on me? Happiness and unhappiness are catching. You can tell yourself you’re not going to get sick, but if someone with a horrible cold sneezes in your face....aren’t you going to get sick?

If you’re immersed in a clan of unhappy people, you will catch it....unhappiness. But I can’t give up…..I can’t be doomed(yes, I realize my article is full of contradictions!)

How do we find happiness at home? The two major thoughts my mind struggles with:

·      Happiness and Unhappiness are catching.

·      Fake it until you make it. That also applies to happiness.

Happiness and Unhappiness are Catching

Haven’t I already covered that? My children, walking around (moping around) with issues and complaints (and most of them aren’t even teenagers yet), (my children) download their negatively on me everyday. How do I fight that? Statistically, I’m doomed! But Happiness is also catching (I won’t mention that as Gretchen Rubin writes in Happier at Home, “negative emotions are more catching than positive emotions, and persist longer, and one grouch can drag down an entire group very quickly.” I did not write that, I did not say that…you did not read it).

My biggest truth about parenting is that if children engage in an activity or mood that you dislike, look at yourself…. How are you portraying that behaviour? (Katie Byron does a great job of explaining this in her book, Loving What Is). Children learn through example…. What kind of example have I demonstrated? Ugh…the truth hurts.

But it’s so hard to rise above that…..

Parenting is hard!

And here comes that second thought: Fake it until you make it.

Fake it (Happiness) until you make it (Happiness)

Take responsibility for the energy you bring into a room because children can’t. They’re too young to assume that responsibility….until you model this concept for them. I’m still struggling with this one….and my guess is, I’ll keep struggling…..  And I am hoping that the more I fake it, the more I’ll make it.

Yes, we alone are responsible for shaping our own lives, we create our worlds, we need to take ownership of our lives , stop blaming others….

But I know that’s not enough….. There is more to this whole faking it…..especially, when you’re raising children. Children know when you’re not sincere, so how is this faking it going to work? Time to throw in the towel? Or time to remind myself that YES, parenting is hard! And difficulties create great learning opportunities.

So I don’t know how you will find happiness in your own home. I like to think of happiness as a state of mind….and I can always change my mind….so when unhappiness enters, well, its time for a change.

Maybe happiness just lies in the pursuit of happiness. And the more you look for it, the more you’ll find it. I was in Zing Paperie and Design, at The Village in Park Royal yesterday and picked up a book entitled, Live Happy: Find the Joy That’s all Around you. Seriously? I thought. But I looked all around me, at all the pretty things, and it was hard not to feel just a little bit happy. A paragraph in the beginning of the book caught my eye: “Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, you can find your happy simply by deciding to look for it, because there are always good things within reach. Cultivate a habit of noticing them.” I like that; “find your happy”. I guess I won’t find happiness if I don’t look for it. I get so busy; I forget to look. Can I find happiness at home? Can you find happiness at home? Time to start looking.

Recording Memories

My family and I went on an EPIC road trip this summer. We flew to Montreal….drove to Ottawa…then up to cottage country….then picked up our RV….then back to Montreal…then began our road trip through Eastern Canada. I’ve decided to blog our adventures (visit bloggingeasterncanada.blogspot.ca) as I sort through, organize, and publish our photos. My ultimate goal is to create a photo album and family movie...no biggy, right? Ugh!

As the weeks pass, and memories of the trip fade, I wonder, “How important is it for me to go through all those photos and to continue this blog?” Life goes on....I want to move on....I have so many other things to do....

But children love looking at photo albums....and it’s important for their development. While sitting together, looking at photo albums (or travel blogs) “help your kids talk about their experiences,” Dr. Daniel Seigel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson write in the Whole Brain Child, “so they can integrate their implicit and explicit memories. Studies have clearly shown that the very act of recalling and expressing an event .... can improve immune and heart function, as well as general well-being.” 

Integration is important. Our brain has many different jobs (with different parts) and helping these parts work together is the key to thriving. And we don’t want our children just to survive....we want them to thrive. Read the Whole Brain Child for a detailed explanation of integration and how parents can provide those kinds of experiences that will help them raise children with resilient, well-integrated brains. 

In the meantime, know that you’re not wasting your time while blogging about memories, posting photos, scrapbooking....creating family movies....technology has given us so many wonderful and FUN ways to practice recalling our memories and integrating our brains!

A Misbehaving Child

 Any child who is misbehaving is subconsciously saying, “I am a child, and I just want to belong, and I have some mistaken ideas about how to accomplish belonging.” Misbehaving children are discouraged children. Dreikurs said many times, “Children need encouragement, just as plants need water. They cannot survive without it.” The best way to help a misbehaving child is through encouragement. (adapted from Jane Nelsen, Positive Discipline)

But what does this mean? It is not easy to act encouraging toward a child who is misbehaving. What does encouragement look like? Remember that encouragement is the focus of positive discipline and every method discussed in the positive discipline approach is designed to help children (and adults) feel encouraged.

Last week, we looked at encouragement and other positive ways of communicating with our children. Just by changing our communication style, we can see positive results in our children’s behaviour. But what happens if the misbehaviour continues? What now? What have we overlooked? In our last class of this 4-week workshop, we will look at Driekurs concept of mistaken goals and learn how our own feeling are clues into our children’s mistaken beliefs. We’ll learn what to do about our children’s misbehavior, how to help them make amends, and truly turn difficult situations into wonderful learning opportunities.

Connection Before Correction

Momma's helper

Extensive research shows that we cannot influence children in a positive way until we create a connection with them. It's a brain (and heart) thing. In my parenting workshops this week, we spoke about communicating with our children and the subtle ways we can change our language to allow our children to feel connected. We also talked about curiosity questions beginning with "what" or "how" (instead of "why") to help our children accept personal responsibility for their own actions and begin effective problem solving. 

I encourage you to be mindful every time you “tell” your children what to do. Try “asking” instead. Lead your children by asking them what they think needs to be done.  Asking creates respect and cooperation by “drawing forth” from children instead of trying to “stuff in”.

Have an awesome long weekend!

Dealing With Technology

Children are now faced with increasingly more options for screened entertainment, leaving families disconnected and disengaged.

Would it surprise you to know that 2-5-year-olds watch more than 32 hours of TV a week? (Nielsen) Many children learn to operate sophisticated remote controls before their third birthday and sit mesmerized in front of the screen. In fact, many parents include television as part of a child’s bedtime routine, unaware that television viewing before bed may disturb children’s sleep patterns.

Children ages 8-18 spend more than 53 hours a week online and almost 8 hours of media use each day. (Keiser Family Foundation) In today’s digital world, families are exposed to more screen time than ever before. Smartphones, tablets, YouTube and the ever-popular game, Minecraft are just a few of the many sources of electronic connection that vie for time and attention from both parents and children.

Research demonstrates that screen time can negatively influence brain development. But you don’t need research to know that your children are on their screens too much each day; you know this from your own wisdom and intuition. But not many of us want to pull the plug on television. We want our kids to keep up with technology and learn new skills that will help them in their lives, but we know that too much media use prevents them from becoming proficient in person-to-person communication skills.

The key lies in finding a balance. What you can do to help your kids find that balance of screen time with “real life” is to work together to set limits around daily media use…including your own.

The Positive Discipline Association suggests the following tools to help manage your family’s screen time so it doesn’t manage you:

1.              Have a family meeting. Get the whole family involved in a plan for reducing screen time. Part of the solutions should include things to do in place of screen time. It is more difficult to give something up when you don’t have plans for what else to do.

2.              Create a “parking lot” for electronics—have a basket or charging station in a central location in the house at which family members “park” their electronics during certain times of day.

3.              Establish new routines. Start with one time of day to be screen free (such as dinner) and periodically add on other times of day.

4.              Stay close with your child with special time. Children will listen to your limits about screen time when they feel understood and that you “get” them. Spend regular one-on-one time together to keep your relationship strong.

5.              Hold limits with kindness and firmness. Changing a screen time habit is hard; be ready for disappointment, anger, and sad feelings. Hold your limits by empathizing with a child’s feelings and sticking with the limit you’ve set.

Parenting The Positive Discipline Way

positive discipline

register now for the workshop starting next week at 

(new time!! 7:30)

CE Hours Granted

May 6, 2014 - 7:30-9pm

May 13, 20, 27 2014 - 7:00-8:30pm

West Vancouver Memorial Library

Elizabeth Musto Room, 1950 Marine Drive

Register at

sensationalchildren.ca

Positive discipline is based on Adler's belief that all human beings are equal and deserving of being treated with dignity and respect.

Parents (and teachers) have an obligation to provide opportunities for children to develop responsibility and motivations. We can turn the challenges we have with our children into the opportunities to develop the characteristics and life skills we want our children to possess. We'll learn how in the 4-part workshop series starting next week at 7:30!

Parent Workshops

Summer’s Coming!

Are you ready? 

for the....

whining.... temper tantrums.... power struggles.... sibling conflict.... THE ATTITUDE....

....and the shouting, nagging, bribing and punishing?

or is it time for a change? 

start this summer differently.... 

Learn some common sense solutions....

In a four session parenting class based on 
the best selling Positive Discipline books by Dr. Jane Nelsen.

Tuesday evenings, 7:00-8:30pm

May 6, 13, 20, 27

West Vancouver Memorial Library

Register at:
sensationalchildren.ca

single $80; Couple $120

Not Sure?

Try the Free Introductory Class

April 29, 2014

7-8:30pm

Parenting with Presence

A FREE SERIES OF VIRTUAL EXPERT MENTORING SESSIONS 

March 18-21, 2014

With the Parenting with Presence Summit, you will be joining a global community of conscious parents who are discovering how to catalyze positive change for their children, themselves – and their entire family.

Your primary job as a parent is to recognize the unique gifts your children bring and help them shine their light as brightly as possible.

Ultimately, the journey of parenting can be the catalyst for your greatest growth evolution.

And while it may not seem like it now, this journey CAN be filled with joy, connection and love EVERY DAY... IF you know how to be the “captain of the ship” in your child’s life.

Susan Stiffelman and the experts on the Parenting with Presence Summit will show you how.

Sign up for this FREE summit, and discover how parenting with awareness, intention and practical skills can resolve the challenging issues that all parents face-andpositively transform your entire family!

find out more at ParentingwithPresence.com

Using your Child's Sensory Needs as a Parenting Tool

Marc Landry (occupational Therapist) presented "Understanding Sensory Processing Disorder, Promoting Self-Regulation, Supporting Stress Management" at Kenneth Gordon Maplewood School on Friday January 24, 2014. I spent years trying to understand and help my son (John) with SPD…and I wondered if I could (maybe) miss the talk, save on the babysitter, and just stay home. I'm glad I didn't. Marc Landry is a great speaker….and he brought to light many things I've forgotten!

John has been attending Occupational Therapy for 6 years; it's helped him keep his sensory needs within a "normal" range…making our life at home much easier….that's my excuse for forgetting….
I've been using discipline to redirect misbehaviour. And what's wrong with that? Sounds good…except, is the behaviour really misbehaviour? I've been defining it as such….but I've forgotten that behaviour is a form of adapting and what I may call "misbehaviour" is just my child's way of adapting to his/her environment.

Interesting how things seem to fall together. I'm taking the the 52 Parenting Tools in 52 Weeks Challenge with Positive Discipline by Dr. Jane Nelson. January 19's parenting tool was "Listen". And I've realized that I've been reacting, correcting and trying to fix the behaviour without "listening" at all levels. I'm also reading (finally) the Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. Reminding me that I must "connect before directing"….but I'm "surviving instead of thriving"….

I'm grateful for those reminders. But before I lose you….I'll try to explain what I've forgotten and what Marc Landry helped me remember with an example.

One of the reoccurring "misbehaviours" and cause of "disharmony" in our household is 7 year old Kate's demeanour during mealtimes. Limbs and hair everywhere…..she can't sit still…she keeps getting up to give me a hug…..no, it's not cute….we're trying to teach her manners. Kindly reminding her about the importance of good posture will sometimes lead to a power struggle….Richard says she's improving….but I've been feeling like we're missing something….like we don't have the whole picture…how quickly I forget!

Kate has always benefitted from my knowledge in sensory processing and I've always felt like I've deflected what could have been possible problems by meeting her sensory needs…and that's the missing piece! I wish it was as simple as asking Kate what she needs and how we can help her stop fidgeting … but she won't answer with, "I need prioprioceptive input to stay engaged during dinner." Knowledge of sensory processes is a positive parenting tool for everyone! Since we've moved (house), many sensory toys have not been unpacked and Kate was the biggest user….She has always needed regular proprioceptive feedback, but monkey bars are gone, trampoline is gone…where's the bean bag? So Kate's misbehaviour is just Kate's way of adapting to her environment.

So where does Kate sit in the Sensory Modulation Continuum? She's Hypo-responsive…she needs to fidget to bring herself to a learning state. She has signs of low tone as she lethargically leans on the dinning table with her head falling into her plate….then she'll jump up and give me a hug to satisfy her proprioceptive need…..(To learn more about SPD, go to sensationalchildren.blogspot.ca.)

So what do we do? We need to get the trampoline back, the monkey bars…..get Kate to monkey around before supper. Maybe, she needs to sit on an exercise ball or wrap heavy elastics around the legs of her chair, so she can fidget with her feet. Maybe, a bowl of fidget items on the dining table.

Sensory Processing (Disorder?) to the rescue again….

As your SPD Parent Host, I am always available to answer questions about your child's sensory needs. Please feel free to comment or fill out my comment form (on the right bar).